


Sorry

by Multiwrite



Category: Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 03:46:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15655113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multiwrite/pseuds/Multiwrite
Summary: An phan AU based off of Sorry By:Halsey“Phil? Are you going to say it back?” I whisper. Tears start to well up into my eye when he continues to stare blankly pass me. We come to a rough stop. The doors open, and the guy yells at us to get out for the new passengers. Phil rushes out, instantly trying to blend into the crowd. I pay the guy and sprint after him, catching up to him quickly and grabbing his hand. He turns around and looks at me with a terrified look, no longer blank.“Phil what is wrong with you? I tell you i love you and you do this to me? Can you at least tell me what you are thinking?” I plead, pulling him over away from the crowds, behind some buildings.





	Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever work i've ever put on AO3 so im sorry if it sucks? I don't know haha. Anyway, for reasons i must say- I do not own Dan Howell or Phil Lester, this is a work of fiction and i am no way implying this actually took place. I also do not own Sorry By Halsey, the story is just based off of the song.   
> I hope you enjoy my story :3
> 
> Bold words are lyrics from the song  
> The Song lyrics separate the plot up

**I've missed your calls for months it seems** **  
** **Don't realize how mean I can be** **  
** **'Cause I can sometimes treat the people** **  
** **That I love like jewelry** **  
** **'Cause I can change my mind each day** **  
** **I didn't mean to try you on** **  
** **But I still know your birthday** **  
** **And your mother's favorite song**  
  
Phil and i sit in the London eye, right at the top. We are in the same carrier as the time back in 2009, when i kissed Phil for the first time. i remember how baffled he was and how scared i was that i ruined out blossoming friendship. We started dating a couple days later after filming our first video together. He tackled me into a hug and just kissed me. Every since then i’ve been falling in love with him. It’s now August 5th 2011, a couple months away from 2 years. These couple of months i’ve planned to tell him I love you  but i’ve chickened out to many times. But today i’m certain to tell him, tell him in the place where it all started.   
  
I grab his hand, intertwined our fingers. He leans into my side, laying his head on my shoulder without any fear. I made sure to get a private carrier, and to stop right at the top. The guy down below gave me 5 minutes of sitting up here for 20 bucks. I take a deep breathe and love my gaze from out the window to something more beautiful. I open my mouth to say them, to say the words but i choke. How do i say it without freaking out? How do i do it confidently? How do i do it to show that i mean it? How do i-  
  
“Dan? Are you okay?” Phil questions worriedly. I realize me hands began to shake and that i was now leaning more on him then before. I don’t answer, making him shift so he can see my face. I put my head down, keeping my eyes from my favorite blue ones.   
  
“Dan what’s wrong?” Phil asks more demanding this time, making me jump. He only gets this demanding when he’s angry or very scared.   
  
“I um-i uh” i babble, trying to form the three simplest words. “I uh Phil- i” I take a deep breathe and look up at him, right in the eye. “i love you Phil.” I state, looking him square in the eye not breaking gaze. His eyes widen, and he starts to lose color. We sit in silence till the London eye starts to move. I clutch on to his still hands, staring at his emotionless face.   
  
“Phil? Are you going to say it back?” I whisper. Tears start to well up into my eye when he continues to stare blankly pass me. We come to a rough stop. The doors open, and the guy yells at us to get out for the new passengers. Phil rushes out, instantly trying to blend into the crowd. I pay the guy and sprint after him, catching up to him quickly and grabbing his hand. He turns around and looks at me with a terrified look, no longer blank.   
  
“Phil what is wrong with you? I tell you i love you and you do this to me? Can you at least tell me what you are thinking?” I plead, pulling him over away from the crowds, behind some buildings.   
  
Phil shakes his head and starts to struggle out of my grip on his wrist.  
  
“Let go of me, i-i need to think dan.” He mumbles, tears run down his cheeks but he wipes them away quickly when he turns. He starts to walk down the busy payment and this time, i let him. I walk back till my back hits the brick wall, and i slide down onto my butt, pulling up my knees to my chest.   
  
  
**So I'm sorry to my unknown lover** **  
** **Sorry that I can't believe that anybody ever really** **  
** **Starts to fall in love with me** **  
** **Sorry to my unknown lover** **  
** **Sorry I could be so blind** **  
** **Didn't mean to leave you** **  
** **And all of the things that we had behind**  
  
I ran. I ran and i ran and i ran. I ran from him for the second time. Dan terrifies me now, dan is, _i mean could be him._ I ran for what felt like days, only turned to a couple blocks till i reached the hotel we are staying at. Now, i sit on the king sized bed, door locked and marked do not disturb, with my mind racing. i beg my mind to shut up, i beg my mind to forget him. I beg for dan to stay out of the hotel forever, take a train back to Manchester and leave me alone.   
  
I beg my mind to stop speaking. _He is a liar, just like him. He is playing you. He just wants to hurt you. He doesn’t love you, Be careful little, pathetic Philip. Did you really fall in love with another Aaron?_  
  
“SHUT UP!” I yell, pulling on my hair. The things he said continues to repeat, no matter how much i plead to stop.  
  
 _Pathetic aren’t you? No one loves you, i don’t love you, i never loved you, I can't believe that anybody ever really could fall in love with you, no one will ever love you phil, no one._  
  
I choke on a sob, my nails digging into my scalp turning my knuckles white. I try to calm down. I try to say what dan told me in the beginning of us dating.   
  
“Phil i am not Aaron, i will never be Aaron, Aaron is out of your life. I am here now.”   
  
Dan is here for me, he won’t hurt me. _Are you sure about that?_  
  
Aaron was there for me, then he hurt me. _And so will dan._  
  
  
 **I run away when things are good** **  
** **And never really understood** **  
** **The way you laid your eyes on me** **  
** **In ways that no one ever could** **  
** **And so it seems I broke your heart** **  
** **My ignorance has struck again** **  
** **I failed to see it from the start** **  
** **And tore you open 'til the end** **  
** **And I'm sorry to my unknown lover** **  
** **Sorry that I can't believe that anybody ever really** **  
** **Starts to fall in love with me** **  
** **Sorry to my unknown lover** **  
** **Sorry I could be so blind** **  
** **Didn't mean to leave you** **  
** **And all of the things that we had behind**  
  
(flash back to Aaron)   
  
It’s March 27, 2004, Phil lester is 17, about to graduate high school with his boyfriend Aaron by his side.   
They currently sit in maths, silently doing the equations on the board. But Phil and Aaron aren’t doing the problems, instead they are giggling drawing doodles in phil’s notebook. Phil is just starting to draw a spaceship when the teacher begins to hand back a test they took the week before.   
  
Aaron gets his back first, grinning when he got a 56. Phil smiles at him kissing his check congratulating him. Phil then gets his and he frowns a little 67? He swore he studied more. Aaron peeks over his shoulder and sees the grade. Aaron’s jaw tightens and home puts his hand on phil’s thigh, grabbing it tightly. Phil gasps at the harshness, trying to pull his leg away.   
  
“We will talk about this later. My house after school.” Aaron hisses, snatching the test from phil’s hands.   
  
Phil slowly lowers his head, nodding ashamed. The bell rings and phil stands up, pushing Aaron’s hand away when he tried to hold his. Aaron’s eyes get darker then they already were, his anger boiling inside of him. He grabs phil’s wrist tightly, squeezing it till it turns red and white. Phil is now gasping in pain, trying to hide it from the class mates that are trickling out of the room.  
  
Aaron tells the teacher, Mrs. Darko that they will be staying in here to do some math work, which the teacher happily lets them. Shutting the door behind her, Mrs. Darko leaves for lunch, leaving phil and his angry boyfriend alone.   
  
As soon as that door shuts, Phil is shoved up against his desk, his boyfriend towering over him. The sad part is, phil is 5”11 just missing the 6 foot mark but his boyfriend is 6”2 already. The extra inches gives him power over phil, making phil feel like he has to be submissive to his boyfriend if he wants to stay safe.   
  
“You said you studied for this test phil..” Aaron mutters. Phil nodded his head opening his mouth to speak but Aaron covers his mouth with his hand that isn’t holding on to his wrist.   
  
“Shhh I don’t need to hear your pathetic lies.....” Aaron leans into phil, sneering the venom words into phil’s ear. Phil just keeps quiet, biting his lip knowing if he just cooperates he will be okay. This happens about 3 times a week. Phil does something Aaron doesn’t like or doesn’t approve of and he gets hurt. This didn’t start until a couple months into their relationship back last year, when Aaron told phil he loved him. It started off only happening every once in awhile and it was never physical. But leading into now their 2 years together, it happens every week, and it gets physical.  
  
“....then, you shoved my hand away. Oh Philly you know that was a bad idea.” Aaron is now leaning so he’s face to face with phil, his smile big like the cheshire cats. Phil chokes on his breathe, trying to lean away from him as he can. Aaron’s grip tightens on phil’s wrist, squeezing past bruising and close to breaking it.   
  
“A-Aaron stop.. stop please just stop.” Phil sobs against his hand, trying to hit Aaron away. His hits do nothing to Aaron and he continues to stand his ground.  Aaron’s eyes begin to roam over phil’s shoulders and chest, moving his hand covering phil’s mouth to rest on phil’s waist.   
  
“So beautiful aren’t you? Not a single flaw.” Aaron grunted, moving his hand up phil’s chest. Phil is now gasping and sobbing, not even trying to hold it in anymore. Phil begs in his head for some one to come in, save him from Aaron.   
  
That day, no one did. That was the day Phil broke his wrist because he “fell”. It wasn’t till months later, a girl named Louise walks in on Aaron yelling at phil, gripping his neck. Phil graduated, but not with Aaron. Phil was out of the abusive relationship after two years of dealing with it. The physical bruises have faded, but the emotional are always fresh in his mind.   
__  
**And someone will love you** **  
** **Someone will love you** **  
** **Someone will love you** **  
** **But someone isn't me** **  
** **Someone will love you** **  
** **Someone will love you** **  
** **Someone will love you** **  
** **But someone isn't me**  
  
I stayed in that alley for an hour, staring at the brick walls. I only decided to get up when some guy gave me a dollar and told me not to buy drugs with it. Now, walking down the busy London streets, the only person on my mind is Phil. He confuses me so much. He just ran away and didn’t even explain to me what was wrong.   
  
Then it hit me. How could i be so stupid? How could i be so stupid to think phil would love me? Or maybe i just said it to early? Is almost two years to early? Damn i wish i was better at this relationship thing. Phil is the only person i have been in a relationship with that lasted more then 3 months so i’ve been walking blindly through this. At least phil has had a serious relationship before.   
  
I walk through the doors of the hotel, nodding at the receptionist that waved at me to happily. I walk up to the elevator and press the up button. Once inside i click the floor 8. The stupid elevator music is for once calming as it lets me think about how stupid it is instead of phil.   
  
The door dings, signaling i’m at my floor. I take a deep breathe, stepping into the corridor to get to room 815. After a little bit of wondering around the hallways, i stop in front of my hotel room and i see on the doorknob,   
  
Do not disturb   
  
Great. Phil is in there and probably mad at me, or worse. I take a deep breathe a raise my hand to knock. The light bang of my fist echos through the silent floor, till i hear shuffling.   
  
“Who is it?” a small voice mumbles.   
  
“Phil it’s me... it’s dan.” i whisper back, loud enough for him to hear through the door. A couple seconds past till the door lock jiggles. Shuffling starts again and i can tell phil is away from the door.   
  
I place my hand on the door knob, and take a couple deep breathes. I open the door and i cry at what i see.  
 **Sorry to my unknown lover** **  
** **Sorry that I can't believe that anybody ever really** **  
** **Starts to fall in love with me** **  
** **Sorry to my unknown lover** **  
** **Sorry I could be so blind** **  
** **Didn't mean to leave you** **  
** **And all of the things that we had behind** **  
** **And someone will love you** **  
** **Someone will love you** **  
** **Someone will love you** **  
** **But someone isn't me** **  
** **And someone will love you** **  
** **Someone will love you** **  
** **Someone will love you** **  
** **But someone isn't me**  
  
Phil eyes Dan when he walks through the door. Dans eyes well up in tears when he sees the whole room trashed. Before Dan came back to the room, Phil had thrown pillows around, the bed was all messed up, the blinds were crumpled and cloths laid everywhere. The two boys make eye contact, Bloodshot blue ones and tear glazed brown ones.   
  
Dan walks into the room slowly, shutting the door behind him. He carefully sits on the corner of the bed phil is in the middle of, not wanting to scare phil somehow.   
  
“Phil what happened?” Dan whispers eyeing the boy then the room. Phil closes his eyes and takes a shaky breath. He doesn’t want to talk to dan right now, or really ever again. He doesn’t want to tell him that the thought of Aaron caused him to have a panic attack. He didn’t want to tell dan why his last relationship added badly cause that’s all he told dan. He didn’t want to tell dan that he thinks he will turn into Aaron. He didn’t want to tell him anything.   
  
“I uh wanted to s-start packing?” Phil questions, voice cracking. Dan tries his best to not roll his eyes, so instead he moves closer to phil on to the bed. Phil’s eyes widen and he tries to scoot away but dan puts his hand on phils knee. Phil flinches and dan instantly takes his hand away. Dans eyes turn to worry as he has never seen phil like this.   
  
He has never seen phil scared of him   
  
“Phil? Please tell me what’s wrong.” Dan says gently. Dans eyes soften, making phil become less tense. Phil opens his mouth to speak but he begins to shake. Dan sees this and cautiously moves closer to phil, wrapping him up in a hug. At first phil is tense about it but his worries fade and he hugs dan closer, completely breaking in front of him. Dan holds him as he cries, whispering how he is okay, that dan is here, how he can talk when he’s ready.   
  
They sit in this position for a couple minutes before phil starts to calm down. With the relaxing beat of dans heart, phil comes to the conclusion to tell dan about Aaron, what he really did.  
  
“can i tell you something?” Phil asks, breaking the peaceful silence. Dan nods, moving his hand up from phil’s side to his hair, running his fingers through it soothingly.   
  
  
“Let me say everything before you speak, okay?” Phil tells Dan. Dan nods again, while phil shuffles to face dan. Him and dan are now sitting face to face, criss crossed on the bed.   
Dan waits silently for phil to begin to speak again which phil is happy for.   
  
“Remember Aaron? The guy i dated back in 2004-2005? Yah well the reason it ended badly was because.” Phil stops, Taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. “He.. he abused me.” Phil mutters, looking down. Dans eyes widen and he is about to speak when phil opens his mouth again.   
  
“It wasn’t always bad, he was good to me for about 6 months... but then he got mad, like really mad. At first he would just yell stuff at me and call me bad stuff. Then... Then it got physical. It was like this till the very end, over a year of this. I never told you this because i thought i was over this... i thought i found someone who actually cared about me and wouldn’t hurt me. It took me 4 years to get over it and then a year later i found you. I... i felt what i felt when me and Aaron started dating. I had my doubts that you would change, that i’m just cursed and you would turn bad. But after our one year anniversary you still didn’t hurt me.... yah we had fights but you always made sure we went to bed happy, that you never hurt me in anyway... I thought i was in the clear. But then This morning on the London eye, i wasn’t expecting for you to say that to me. I froze because the last person to say that to me hurt me for the first time after that. When i tried to leave to clear my head and to convince myself you weren’t Aaron, you grabbed my wrist. You grabbed the same wrist Aaron broke all those years ago. From that all the memories came back and i couldn’t even even tell that that was you standing in front of me. I only saw Aaron. That’s why i ran, that’s why i had a panic attack.....” Phil stops, he was full in sobbing and was clutching onto dans hand for dear life. Dan had tears in his eyes but held them in to be strong for his boyfriend.   
  
“.... That’s why i was scared to tell you i loved you back. I didn’t want to make myself vulnerable again.... i didn’t want to get hurt again.” Phil bawled. Dan sits in shock but instantly scoops up his boyfriend. Holding him to his chest him and phil cry it out.   
  
After phil calmed down to sniffles , Dan pushes him away slightly to look at him right in the eyes.   
  
“I would never hurt you, i never want to hurt you. I love you phil, fuck i love you so much. I want to kill that bastard but i want you know, that i am not Aaron. I will never be Aaron.” Dan announces. His hands are on each side of phil’s head, making him look him right in the eyes to show he’s not lying.   
  
Phil stares at him before breaking into a slight smile. “I know that now.” he whispers to dan, leaning in and kissing him sweetly. This kiss wasn’t like any of their other kisses, this one is full of love and affection. Dan breaks the kiss and pulls phil close to his chest again. They cuddle now in a comfortable silence, enjoying each others company once again. Before dan closes his eyes for sleep he hears a sleepy phil mumble,   
  
“i love you too dan”   



End file.
